You know how you inevitably end up regretting pretty much every single hairstyle and fashion decision you've ever made? At the time you think you are the t*** and then 4 years down the line you look back at that photograph of you with hideous crimped hair and a boob tube and think 'dear god, why?!'. I have this problem with fake nails... as if any girl needs more adding to that list. In my defence I do suffer from a serious case of cocktail sausage hands (for anyone confused, that is baby hands with sausage fingers... baby sausage fingers... cocktail sausages fingers... whatever, it makes sense in my head).

Anyway, I digress. From time to time I hit a stumpy hand crisis and go to drastic measures to superglue talon like pieces of plastic onto my fingers. It's about as ridiculous as it sounds. So here I am taking a stand and penning down a note to self and warning to any ladies straying into fake nail territory. There are endless reasons not to get acrylic nails, but for the sake of time I'll share the first 7 that came to mind:


It's no secret that acrylic extensions damage your nails, but it's something I never really paid much attention to until I made the mistake of getting them myself. Before the acrylic is applied your nails are buffed and little ridges are cut in to help the false nail attach.  It's this step that makes your nails rough and weak when the extensions come off. Please see above. 

BECAUSE YOUR NAILS WILL LOOK LIKE THIS WHEN THEY COME OFF:


You've just shelled out £30 odd quid on a set of nails so, naturally, you want to make them last. Now, I wouldn't say my nails grow particularly fast but even after 1 week there was a sizeable gap/dip where my natural nail was growing out and by week three (I was getting my money's worth) I looked even more ridiculous than I when I started. 

BECAUSE THEY GROW OUT:


One of the main things that spurred me to go acrylic was the fact that there is nothing strong or sturdy about my natural nails. I was convinced that extensions would mean I would not only get length, but fail-safe, indestructible colour that would last through countless hair washes and dish washes. Not only did colour get patchy and strip off, but after a week there were several significant breakages.

BECASUE THEY ARE NOT INDESTRUCTIBLE:


On your phone. On your desk. On your coffee cup. On the kitchen counter. Pretty much anywhere you can tap... you will be tapping. You'll hate yourself for it. You'll acknowledge that you have turned into the kind of person you hate. But you'll do it anyway, because that click is super addictive. 

BECAUSE YOU WILL BECOME AN UNBEARABLE NAIL TAPPER:


Satisfying that mid-back itch... not happening. Taking care of that little whitehead that's appeared on the side of your nose... nope. Tapping away at a reasonable speed on your phone, out of the question. Scooping cleansing balm out... yep, most of it is stuck under your stupidly long nail. 

BECAUSE THEY ARE HIGHLY IMPRACTICAL: 


I decided to go for hugely oversized jet black stick-ons for my 18th... you can spot them a mile away in all the photos. To this date it is one of my poorest beauty decisions. The recent acrylic experiment looked just as bad. However long and elegant you think your nails will be, they never quite turn out that way. And even if you can just about get away with them for the first 4 days... as soon as they start to grow out it's game over. 

BECAUSE THEY DON'T LOOK NEARLY AS GOOD AS YOU THINK THEY DO:


It takes on average £25 to put a set of extensions on and an additional £8 to take them off again. Just think of how many uses you could get out of £33 of nail varnish. And your nails have a far better chance of looking fit and healthy at the end of it. 

BECAUSE PRETTY MUCH ANY OTHER OPTION IS CHEAPER:

 

 

Now, rant over and I am all ears if anyone has any suggestions of what I can get my hands on to start sorting out these nails! They are feeling very sorry for themselves and are in desperate need of some TLC. Please send all product recommendations this way. I don't even own a cuticle oil guys, help a girl out!